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Bangla Bhai Writes to Allah
Al-Hamd-Lillah, Rabbul al-Amin; This is a petition to the almighty Allah, the creator, the most high, the most beloved, the most compassionate, the most merciful, the strictest reckoner, the most hate-filled, the most jealous, the most revengeful and the ultimate judge on the resurrection day. Assalamu Alaikum I am penning this epistle from a distant corner of Bangladesh which is about to become the next Taliban country in the world. It seems that Allah, Rabbul al-Amin has not read the recent article in the New York Times that has categorically predicated the emergence of this new Islamic Paradise. However, I, Bangla Bhai, the Commander-in-Chief of the Mujaheddins is now facing certain impediments while fighting in the way of Allah. Therefore, I decided to forward this petition to Allah elaborating my background, the plans and the logistics in the creation of this Taliban State. Of late, while conducting an Islamic raid on the evil villagers, a few of Allah’s soldiers (Mujahiddins) were beaten to death. Look Allah, how we buried our dear martyrs. It was in the same fashion as the martyrs of the Uhud were ritually buried by your devotees 1400 years ago. Please refresh your memory of Uhud. The martyrs were not at all clothed in burial dress. Instead, they were buried with their bloodied bodies—the very way they were killed in the battlefield. Isn’t this the most commendable way to put an ardent Jihadist to ultimate rest? Allah, for doing this, we surely deserve much reward from you. Just observe closely how we have smartly brought back the seventh century Bedouin Islami Josh (Islami zeal) on the green pastures of Bangla. Allah, have you read the classic science fiction, ‘The Time Machine’, written by H.G. Wells? Don’t you think we are much cleverer than this infidel writer? We are, in reality, operating a time machine. This time machine is incredibly efficient in taking an entire nation on a time trip—in the past, of course. Our future plan is to make sure that only the true Momeen (believers) remain alive; the rest of the infidels and the hypocrites must be eradicated. That is how we plan to turn the luxuriance of Bangla in to a ponderous red-carpet—drenched and soaked in blood. Isn’t this what you wrote in your timeless tome, the Qur’an? We are absolutely in the right track for your sake. Allah, in case your memory has worn out, this is what you wrote regarding the supremacy of Islam in your eternal Qur’an:
Allah, we may not be even 1% of the population of Bangladesh. But, if we follow verses quoted above, our minuscule number is not going to deter us from launching our Islamic killing operations (Jihad). Allah, have you forgotten how, with only twelve Mujahids, led by the Islamic Commander Ikthiar Uddin b. Bakhtiar Khilji, invaded Bangla and introduced the beauty of Islam there? We are just like him. Our microscopic number will never deter us from capturing once again, the fertile verdure of Bengal and purify Islam once and for all. We shall surely get rid (by killing) of all those who are not true Islamic—the real Islam, preached and practiced by your dearest Prophet. Ya Malik ed-Dunia, look at my neatly grown, untrimmed beard—grown and nurtured exactly to your specification. You will find it precisely similar to the beard of Rasul-e-Karim. I even dyed my beard with henna. Allah, please smell my handsome beard and you will be pleased with the fragrance of musk—just the way our Nabiji used to do. Please send your angels to monitor our toilets and food habits. They will be surprised to note the incredible effort we have put in to emulate intimately, in every aspect of our lives, our most beloved Prophet. For example, despite no shortage of water in Bangladesh, we use clay stones to cleanse our private parts after defecating in the open field—exactly to your specifications. Even though we have primitive latrines we prefer to do our business in the wide open field because that was how Nabiji did during his time. See, how devoted we are to your dearest Apostle! In case your memory is lacking, Allah, please read this Hadis from Sahih Bukhari, the Sunna of your Prophet which is compulsory for every Muslim to emulate:
Allah, please check your list of infidels. I am certain you will find the name of Elsie Grizzly. Recently, this vile infidel woman, wearing Islamic hijab, visited the pristine Islamic Paradise of Bangladesh. We were so hospitable to her when she visited me in our secret den of Jihadists. Wearing a black Burqa, she conducted an interview with me. I was simply elated that a white Muslimah journalist from the land of Great Satan would like to publish our ‘Kamiabi’ (success) in the top-notch daily, like the New York Times. Due to extreme elation, I lost my sense and hurriedly told her a lot of our secret plans to perfect the Taliban state in Bangladesh. When this lady journalist published our incredible story in the New York Times, the world was astonished. All the ‘Harami’s (the wicked people) of Bangladesh were very angry and extremely agitated. Later, we quickly learned from our secret agents that she had never converted to Islam but simply used that ruse to trick us. Allah, please forgive me for disclosing to this Kafir woman our plan for a future Islamic Taliban State in Bangladesh. The truth, Allah, was: I really became infatuated with this Caucasian Muslimah even though I never saw her face. Her shrill, sexy and husky voice was good enough to raise my passion for her. Once I saw her handsome, delicate, smooth, shiny, impeccably manicured wrist taking notes of my statements I went wild. I was ecstatic. I dearly wanted to marry her and make her my third wife—just the way our Prophet always fell in love with whichever woman he chanced to meet. Allah, have you forgotten that your most beloved friend only had three passions—women, perfume and prayer? I follow the exact footsteps of our Nabiji. Alas! Elsie Grizzly’s visa did not allow her to stay much longer in Bangladesh—otherwise, I would’ve surely made her halal for me. She had to leave Bangladesh soon after the interview was complete. Allah, please do not be angry with me. Retribution is coming to her sooner than she might expect. I have already dispatched three Islamic sleuths to New York to hunt her down and bring her back to me. As a punishment for her utter depravity I shall surely treat her as a captive, incarcerate her in a dingy chamber and make her halal for my lieutenants. They will enjoy her by turn; day in and day out—just the way the Jihadists enjoys the women ‘zindiq’ (freethinkers) prisoners in Iran, Sudan and Nigeria. Allah, have a look at the Sunna of your Prophet:
Rabbul al-Amin, you will be extremely pleased that we have lately formed the Rahmat Allah Battalion (RAB). Actually, most of the members of this battalion are imported from Somalia Sudan and Afghanistan—your dearest Islamic Paradises. This is the most closely guarded secret in Bangladesh. Their commanders are Afghan Taliban Jihadists. In reality, RAB is an assassin squad—exactly in the fashion of the killing squads that your dearest Prophet formed to kill his critiques. We convinced NPB (Nationalist Party of Bangladesh) to form RAB by citing the Sunna of our Nabi Karim. RAB’s prime targets are the writers, singers, folk dancers, artists, actors, academics, intellectuals, secular freethinkers, some opposition leaders and the infidels. Allah, please have an intimate look at the uniform and the head-gear of these soldiers of yours. Don’t you think they look exactly like your soldiers in the Badr, Uhud, Hunayn and Khaybar…..? Look at their pitch-black outer garment and their dark turban that is tightly tied at the rear of their head. Rahman-ar-Rahim, in case you have forgotten how you dressed your fighters 1400 years ago, please look at RAB. It will surely remind you that before they went on killing missions, your soldiers always wore black uniforms and tied their turbans in exactly the same fashion as RAB. Allah, look at your current Iraqi commander, Musab al-Zarqawi. Our RAB wears almost similar outfit like him. Most Bangladeshis are really a bunch of dunces. They think the members of RAB are their own flesh and blood. We simply laugh at their imbecility. We knew rather well that very few ordinary Bengali soldiers or policemen will have the heart to shoot their brethren for no good reason. That is why I cleverly advised our current PM to import those heartless, cruel and blood-thirsty Islamic Jihadists from some far distant Islamic Paradises. The beautiful reward from the smartest Prime Minister in the world was that she carefully whispered to the police to escort me to a safe haven, although, just to please the Great Satan, she had previously issued an order for my arrest. Allah, don’t you think I should have a good laugh when I reflect on the extraordinary talent of this lady? See, how correct I am when I mentioned that the Bengali’s are really asinine. I live amongst the very nose of the security people of Bangladesh, yet they cannot even see or catch me! How wonderful! Allah, isn’t this similar to Gabriel? When he visited Muhammad no one could see him except Nabiji? Don’t you think I am just one rank below your dearest Prophet? Allah, this is nothing but your Kudrat (blessing). Marhaba! Marhaba! Glorified Allah, would you believe how cleverly we have formed two fronts of attack on the 99% ordinary, not-so-good, hypocrite Muslims of Bangladesh? While RAB continues eliminating the intellectuals, the upper class urban enemies of Islam, we have stealthily formed a cadre of tens and thousands of nascent Jihadists entirely from the rural Madrassas of Bangladesh. At dead of night we trained them in arms and explosive handling. During day, they dutifully memorised the Qura’an. What a beautiful strategy, come to think of it! I am certain you will be simply too happy that we followed the exact footsteps of your most beloved creation (Muhammad). Allah, do you recall that your best friend conducted military training at his mosque and meted out your prescribed punishments, including beheadings there? This is exactly what we plan to do in future. We will convert all mosques in Bangladesh in to Islamic fortresses. From these ubiquitous abodes of yours we shall deliver all judgments according to your law (Sharia). We will establish a blood-bank in every mosque. These blood-banks will collect the blood from those who will be beheaded or amputated right in front of the cheering faithfuls. Every time we behead a ‘zindiq’ they will shout Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar—three times—just to be precise with the Islamic ritual of slaughter. You surely will be utterly pleased to witness so much of blood—human blood. This is far better than sacrificing cows and goats. We shall then export the blood thus collected. This will earn plenty of foreign exchange for a desperately poor country like Bangladesh. The flesh of those beheaded ‘zindiqs’ will be fed to the hungry wild dogs, the foxes, the hyenas, the wolves, the lions, the tigers and the bears kept in the zoos of Bangladesh. The leftover bones of these intellectuals of Bangladesh will be used to manufacture fertilizer. See, Allah what a beautiful plan we have for our beloved Islamic Paradise. For stoning to death we shall recycle those stones that we had used for our toilet purposes. How beautiful this Islamic recycling is! Nothing is wasted—not even human flesh and bones! Ya Aziz, you may wonder why I am writing to you. You see, as I mentioned at the outset of this epistle, we planned everything meticulously. Following your command, we killed so many of those intellectuals just to instil terror in the minds of the ordinary folks of Bangladesh. Look Allah, what you wrote in your Qur’an Sharif:
Beloved Allah, I just quoted samples of those ‘terrific’ verses. In case you have forgotten, please look carefully in your Qur’an and you will find scores of such verses. The trouble is, most of these ‘Harami’ (wicked) Bengalis do not accept our divine acts as your commandment to true Jihadists. That is why we are now in trouble. Recently, while we were earnestly conducting an operation to infuse terror in the hearts of a few ‘Harami’ villagers, a few of your soldiers were caught by the ‘Mushrekins’ (hypocrite Muslims). With fuming anger and ‘Gono Pituni’ (mob lynching) the villagers beat those soldiers of yours to death. We feel so frustrated, fearing that you have abandoned us in the midst of this Jihad. Allah, please help us now. Please send us the angels that you sent at Badr and Hunayn. We implore you fervently that unless you send your divine intervention all of us will soon become martyrs. But Allah, you see, almost all our cadre consist of very young Madrassa-going teen-agers. They are unmarried, poor and hungry. How could you make them martyrs so soon when they are yet to taste the sweetness of their wives, take booty to be rich and have plenty of delicious food to eat. After all, that was what you promised to all the Jihadists. So, Allah, please do not disappoint us any more. Immediately send us at least 5 000 angels (just like at Badr war). Kindly send us your sign of intervention. Once I receive your unmistakable signal I shall, at once, despatch my assassin squad to kill more ‘zindiqs’. This time your soldiers, with the help of your angels, will kill, not by tens, but by hundreds and thousands. You will be happy that eventually we shall be successful in establishing an uncontaminated Taliban State in Bangladesh. Allah, don’t you think that will be the best gift to you? You dearly love blood. We shall offer you blood—plenty of it. Here is an ocean of blood for you—the blood of the ‘Harami’ Bengalis. I remain steadfastly. Your most obedient slave Bangla Bhai al-Saffah (the blood shedder)
--------- Abul Kasem writes from Sydney. His e-mail address is abul88@hotmail.com
Read More on Bangla bhai in MM: Special Feature on Bangla Bhai
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